MISSION: A MONTH OF LOVE = LIVING IN LOVE (author: Paige North)

MISSION: A MONTH OF LOVE = LIVING IN LOVE

“If someone told me to write a book on morality, it would have a hundred pages and ninety-nine of them would be blank. On the last page I would write, 'I recognize only one duty and that is to love.' And as far as everything else is concerned, I say no.” —Albert Camus

If someone – a dear friend for instance -  asked me to write a monthly prescription for love, it would be a book with an infinite number of pages, because heck, that is what love is: a generative process that has no real start, no real ending, and no real definition. One cannot take the love one gives back, and I like that. That love, whether it beats still or is extinguished fully, is somewhere out there in the universe,  burning brightly like stars in the sky. And it did something good. It made someone better. And if, as Camus rightly put it, we understood that love is indeed a duty and not a “happily ever after” script written for us, we would be writing so many love stories that our hearts would ache at the thought of it. It is our duty to love. We have the bandwidth to do it, but we sometimes forget that like most things learned in life, love is a task, not a story mapped out with a predictable ending. It is a task in that we have to do it in order to become better at it, and we have to write our own love story with mindfulness and intention.

PREFACE (Every good love story has a preface): October is a good month for love. Red maple leaves against azure skies open one’s heart. They. Just. Do.  The smell of a nearby bonfire does the same. October is good sleeping weather, when open windows at night somehow open our hearts with a magic I really don’t get. But I know I wake up feeling more in love with the world the next morning. October is a love tonic if ever a month can be called one (screw February on that front, by the way). So here, dearest Shannon, whose truest of hearts has a romantic compass that is equally steadfast, is your “script” for the month of love:  

I.                    Sleep with your windows open – even if it is only a crack. This simple act of letting in fresh night air also requires a bit of mindfulness in that as you open that window at night, I want you to think about opening up a piece of your heart. Tackle the pieces that require some tugging, and as the windows open each night, imagine your heart is a little lighter.

II.                  Buy yourself this: http://www.amazon.com/NUGGLEBUDDY-Microwavable-Aromatherapy-Patterned-Aromatherapy/dp/B00ANY20S8/ref=sr_1_79?ie=UTF8&qid=1379639115&sr=8-79&keywords=lavender+heat+pad. I am wholeheartedly convinced that heating pads – particularly those with the distinctive combo of lavender and wheat (who knew?) – can open the most hardened of hearts. So, alongside the open window practice, I want you to warm up your heating pad and place it on your chest each night. Physically, it relieves tension, smells good, and helps you to sleep well. Metaphorically, it softens the edges of a vibrant, full, beautiful, but hardened heart.  Here, my friend is the key: to love, we have to let go of some of our sharp edges, those pieces of our hearts that beat out of angry habit. And this is painful stuff. Since it is a little like walking on glass or listening to fingernails on chalkboards, we may as well smell like lavender. Fin.

III.                Fall in love with the things around you. And take note of them. You have the marvelous ability to delight in the big and the small beauties of our world. I challenge you to fall in love with them. Because really falling in ALL-CAPS LOVE is about seeing love in many places. Again, use October as your backdrop for this. You’ll be in love with the world in no time. If I were to fall in love with a month, October would be my hands-down winner.

IV.                SHARE this feeling of being in love with things, feelings, moments, experiences WITH people.  This is the key to an open heart: it cannot just love in a vacuum. It is okay to say “I LOVE this pumpkin latte!” because in that moment, maybe that first sip is like a first kiss: perfect, warm, new. The capacity to BE in love resides in the ability to love your world. I was reminded of this when my sweet two year old exclaimed with a raw passion “I LOVE CRICKETS!!!!” this evening. Yes. Yes, you love crickets. And shouting your love of crickets from the rooftops is your duty (back to Camus), as much as it is reason for another soul to fall in love with your love of crickets. Or beets. Aka: YOU.

V.                  Dude. You have to fall in love with you. Plain and simple. The “Dude” was just for effect because this I’m snapping my fingers right now in front of your face. With bossy-boots vigor. Fall in love with the things about you that are amazingly lovable. Twenter, there are so, so, so many. So many. You have to fall in love with what makes you YOU in order for others to see and embrace them. This is perhaps the hardest task, but I want you to – on a daily basis – DO THIS ONE THING. See the sparkle in your eyes, the fun you bring to any occasion, the spontaneity and love of the little things that you share so freely with other. And love these things.

VI.                This one comes from Alex (but I fully agree with him): every morning, look at your bleary-eyed, beautiful self in a mirror and say, “I accept myself unconditionally right now.”(source: www.hungryforchange.tv) Self-explanatory.

VII.              Soundtrack. This is my personal (abridged for the purposes of this project) love soundtrack:

a.       Billie Holiday, Easy Living because she and October are soul mates, if ever there were. This song, with its lilt and grit, makes my heart dance. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RX7TA3ezjHc

b.      Ani diFranco, Everest http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozmEVdXcmPk – Holy cow. Heartachingly beautiful, and really, one of the most honest odes to love set to music, in my humble opinion.

c.       The Cinematic Orchestra, To Build a Home. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cG2bTlOcLnE Pure poetry.   Somewhat maudlin, but I’ve decided that the thing about love is that yes, it sometimes slips through our hands like quicksand and the ache in your heart is a reminder that you have loved. That you are capable of such a primal emotion. Pieces of that love remain in you, and using the metaphor sustained throughout the song, homes are built, trees grow, things change and hearts still beat. And it’s up to you to take those pieces so that you can love again.

d.      Sigur Ros, Hoppipolla. Because love is about being young and being old and feeling free, because this song makes me in love with the world, and frankly, because there are leaves in the video (very autumnal):http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmXMA34CeoQ

e.      Philip Glass, Mad Rush. Someone shared this with me when I had a broken heart, and when I hear it, my heart still breaks, BUT the thing about love is that sometimes (most of the time), there are no words:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXN1QdtPyGk

f.        Jeff Buckley, Hallelujah. Love requires faith. And though I am not a religious sort, love is religion in a sort of universal way. This song pretty much says everything there is to say about love, all in a voice that makes your heart just want to risk it all. And because track 6 is typically my favorite on an album, I stop here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8AWFf7EAc4

Love is what you make of it. Falling in love, and BEING in love is not going to make you a better person, necessarily. It can, but that hard work – even with your soul mate alongside you – falls in your lap. The lucky “HE” cannot be your compass. But the act of love, and the duty of loving can. So predictably, I leave you with the sage words of my main man, Thich Nhat Hanh, for further reflection. I’ve read them over and over again…and I can’t say I fully get it. Yet.  And like love, that is as it should be:

“True love includes the sense of responsibility, accepting the other person as he is, with all his strengths and weaknesses. If we like only the best things in the person, that is not love. We have to accept his weaknesses and bring our patience, understanding, and energy to help him transform. Love is maitri, the capacity to bring joy and happiness, and karuna, the capacity to transform pain and suffering. This kind of love can only be good for people. It cannot be described as negative or destructive. It is safe. It guarantees everything.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

Week 3: A New Type of Church, Some Tears, A Week in the Wilderness with an Ipod of Wildcard's Faith Music

        As I enter the 3rd week of Faith with Kelly's directives and Dawn's - our WildCard - new additions, my feelings can best be summed up with challenges trusting in the God of Catholicism/ Christianity but seeing the value in faith itself. I feel like it urges me to trust but somehow I associate this with having to trust in a way of life that is safe and may not serve me best. The readings in John's section of the Bible continue to promote believing even when you can't see. (Perhaps my Missouri home state's motto of Show-Me-State make this a bit harder!) Also,  all of Dawn's songs urge me to believe that by trusting in God things will make more sense and challenges will bring you to what you need.  I have been choosing to trust in being where I am supposed to be. I have been choosing to be open and trusting in what I don't understand. However, I still am challenged to understand how that works with also listening to my strong intuitive heart that sometimes speaks the opposite, or some of the challenges I've faced, and being what seems so far away from the community of friends, a partner, and kids in my home that I desire.

      I visited my 3rd spiritual location - the Calvary Chapel - and it was quite a different experience for me, as it was a huge church including shuttles to get you to the church, a tv screen so all could see in the large room, and a different type of service I had not experienced. Much of it was uncomfortable for me, and therefore not always enjoyed. However, when the pastor spoke, I was driven to tears. He said a lot but he also gave 5 directives: 1) Know God to Believe in God: try small acts of faith to get to higher faith, use meditation to help you with this 2) The Source of All Problems is Lack of Belief: More concern about condition of heart than if something is done right or wrong 3) When You Harden Your Heart, You Are Dead to Feelings: You must use your heart and accept it is okay that there are those who will challenge us, which is better than closing our feelings to others. 4) Faith is Action:  Through trust and action, things can change. 5) He's preparing you for good work. What made me cry the most, was listing to the hardening of heart. I want to believe directives will do it, but directives have also been hurtful to me as I know life is more fluid than that.

    I believe I am being reminded how much faith is needed in my life, but it also must be in a spiritual vein that allows me to not have set directives, is open to the changes of life and needs of our society, and is open to all. I have to work to build a community to discuss this with which means being vulnerable and open. Kelly has told me I need literature/scripture and people to make my faith work, and she is right. Dawn reminds me that faith is just trusting, as well, and using that trust as a vision and attitude for your life. Calvary Chapel's message was one I could feel, but still it seems not a good fit for me. I want to choose that I shouldn't flog myself for this but that I haven't found a good fit, but I will.

    Future writer Erin said "Faith and Fear cannot live together", and she is so right. I must choose to select faith over fear. Therefore I must choose to believe that there will be a faith that will want me to choose what fits me best and not set directives that make me feel I must hide myself.

Dawn's songs urged me to step out of my comfort zone, let go of fear and see the adventure of possibility and purpose, and believe in what I want is coming, if I am true to myself and trust that I may not have the capacity to understand my challenges and why my road has gone and is going this way, but some greater being does and is helping me if I choose to let and trust them.  I am working through feeling too weak to try and to love again, but am choosing to trust that faith will help me be me, instead of crippling me.

      And finally, the C's of this week - most from my week in the wilderness on a ropes course with my students, with a few (parentheses) of moments that just came to me through the week:

Character: I'm one who is an anthropologist, an orienter, an explorer. I'm empathetic, sentimental, sensitive. I love reading, dancing, swimming. My car's bumper is full of pride of a Fluid Movement performer, yoga instructor, trail runner, KC beer drinker, Baltimore lover, kayaker, Idaho Blue girl, and an arts/earth appreciator. I am many parts. My scarves that I look at each morning remind me of my journey and friends along the way: a Red Tree scarf from the Avenue in my neighborhood of Bmore, 1 from my mom, another from my brother's World Cup trip to Africa, a Moroccan scarf from my forever roommate, another from Austria that was accompanied by a rainbow pic, Mindy provides two -one from Spain and another from our Pickles vaca in Illinois.

Career - I embraced the present moment of our students abundantly growing on the trust walk and sharing as a community. (Marfa trip did me well.)

Calling- When I cry watching my students on the 1st element - trust wall, I know using my emotions are part of who I am.  In completing the element Leap of Faith, I know I am working on that for myself.

Character - A mother remarked on my ability to read kids and know when/how to encourage and when they needed comfort and a release from their discomfort on the ropes course. Her words reminded me of my spark and to remember my strength, bravery, and passion in Ireland and NYC.

Community - My 2 coworkers who have run the Junior High for 10 years on their own with staff who have come and gone referred to the rest of our team as sisters. They are offering community. I have seen trust, courage, and compassion in kids. I'm reminded to bring more compassion back to my classroom and my life. Community is around me, yet, I still struggle to embrace.

(Ireland was me being me and when I do that I live happy and light and with all my strengths. I need to do that more.)

Companion - I spoke with a new friend in Boise about my need to try and date again and how I am so resistant to online dating though I've been dabbling in it. Yet, I realize I prefer to find a dating partner through doing things that I like. I spoke of finding this through Fluid Movement, biking, and friends. I spoke of needing to find my synchronized swimming in Boise, whatever that will be. which I believe will lead me to love. Faith has been challenged by seeing all my Bmore friends with their mates and/or kids, and believing that if I hadn't left that'd be me and trusting that my path will still lead me there.

Community - My heart yearns for it. As I relax from my week in the wilderness, I look through Boise's newspapers to find things I enjoy, excitement to go to theatre tonight, joy in knowing I built it once in Bmore, and a belief it will come again. Finding community in staff with three Peace Corps members, converts from Catholicism, another who searches to understand our missing of the East, another who didn't go to Harvard, and a belief in using our valuable hearts and time to help kids find themselves. 

Reminding you what is important (from Amy Poehler via cHAd)

Amy's Reminders

I saw this today and many of them have thematic parallels as to what our Open Booker is trying to accomplish.

For all to enjoy...

September wild card (from Dawn Twenter)

Faith: Knowing this Sun will rise again (cHAd)

Faith is defined in the dictionary as a belief and trust in and a loyalty to God or a firm belief even in the absence of proof.  To me faith is true definition of trusting.  Life certainly brings a lot of ups and downs.  Faith can definitely be tested, but I believe you can grow in faith through trials and tribulations.  I usually feel stronger after going through  situations that are challenging.  I have either learned or benefited from experiencing a tragedy or obstacle.  I know you have have surely  had some challenges.

I have always felt like music guides me through good days and bad.  What I have learned is that the music guides me, but the words move me.  It is what the music says that I believe and feel true in my heart.  It can quickly remind me of what my purpose and soul reason for existence is.  I agree with Kellie!  You need to get to know my friend Jesus!  You have never been alone!  Someone is there waiting to be on your side, ready for the journeys and adventures yet ahead for you!  There is a plan for you!

Here is my challenge.  I am giving you just one passage from a book I read to help push my faith further and deeper, the Bible.  When doing your meditation each day ponder this verse.  Proverbs 3: 5-6.  Use this verse to guide your thinking for the day.  Think about trusting in the fact there is a plan in place for you.

2nd, please listen to the CD that I have sent to you in the mail.  There are 16 songs (15 days plus a bonus song).  Listen to one song a day.  You may want to listen twice, once just to hear it, and then once to really listen to the words.  All the songs have a video to go along with on Youtube.  Sometimes it can be more powerful to watch and listen at the same time.   Each day in your journal (thanks Mindy), reflect on the song.  How did the song make you feel?  How can you apply the words in your own life?  Is there a phrase or verse that stands out to you and why?

Here is the list of songs and a little background of why I choose them

1. These Are the Words

My song to you!

2. Help Me Find It

Talks a lot about trusting

3. Voice of Truth

Also about Trust,  solo Elaina sang in church, her favorite band.

4. Good Morning

My happy song for the morning.

5. More Beautiful You

Love the message

6. Blessings

My song for Rebekah, but for life’s disappointments as well.

7. You Are More

Helps me to forgive myself and to let go of guilt

8. Worn

Reminds me that I am not alone, ever

9. Hello My Name Is

We all have a story, but I love that we all share the same name

10. We Won’t Be Shaken

Kelly’s cross country’s team’s theme song

11.  I Am Free

Song from Heath’s funeral, love, love, love!!

12.  Overcomer

You can do anything!

The last songs are selfish, but kind of sum up my feelings about faith, trust, and my journey with Jesus.  

13.  I’m not Home

14. Life Song

15. Live Like That

Bonus Track

16. Just Say Jesus

When there are no words...

My life has forever been changed!

Christian radio stations in your area

Air 1   98.7

KSTY 89.5

2 Spiritual Centers+ 5 C's + John 8-12 X Comfort Zone/Growth = Week 2

      Kellie challenged me to visit 4 different spiritual centers, and TRY to talk to someone about their experience with place and their faith there. Like Kellie said, if I chose her, I knew I was going to bring Jesus to the plate. And it's funny, I guess I knew that, but I picked her more for this reason. She is strong. She has faith. And she is open-minded and communicative. 

     One of my favorite Kellie moments is when she was frustrated at work and she just sat down, put her head in her hands, and said "Jesus, help me".  I looked at her and said, "Wait, you really mean that. You are like praying, not just using his name in vain or something." I think she laughed but it was moments like this that cemented our friendship. Another moment like this in the same location

was when Kellie came in crying because she loved her life, but she also was challenged by some of the good things that had come into her life that she chose to grasp and therefore created shifts in  her dreams in unexpected ways. It was one of those hilarious moments, (without revealing too much because I didn't check in with a woman who is due in a week) when Kellie was sobbing at work and was able to be real with me about why. This is why I chose Kellie. She has amazing faith and she doesn't hide that she is challenged. This is what makes her tougher in my opinion. She communicates it for the benefit of others who are also challenged, but may not share. She also uses her faith to bring solid people in her life to communicate with about her questions and when all else fails she just trusts...or sings. Well, I can't sing, but I can learn to trust. 

And so I chose to trust Kellie, and so 2nd week of trusting her suggestions began.

     And though I was initially not looking forward to leaving the Buddhist Meditation Center I had finally been to consecutively a few weeks in a row - a record for me in the last few years, with some thought, I realized Kellie was right to send me on this journey. I needed to explore other options to be firm in making that choice of 1 over another. And so I began.

      First week - I returned to the Heart of Dharma Center. Again, the leader made me feel good, she laughs and admits her faults while speaking, I meditate with others, and when I walk out my soul has quieted a bit of the chatter that clouds it. I can't remember her talk from last time but it was exactly where I was at.  I continue to be reminded to stop trying to control and to let go.

      Second Week - I decided to return to my roots and scheduled a visit to Our Lady of Rosary, a Catholic church on the south side of Boise - Southside!!!  It felt good to see smiling families in the parking lot all rushing in and it felt good to be in a new part of Boise. So my initial feelings were good, but I realized I was spending a lot of time forcing myself to be okay with the message at this church, and to feel some comfort. I spent some time asking and flogging myself for not feeling it. And then I just chose to accept my feelings are valid, and this was not as good as fit for me as the first option. It seems a theme that leaving the comfort zone of safety leads me to happiness and growth. So on to option 3&4 and then to make a choice of what suits me best. (And no Kellie, I didn't speak to folk there but I did rehash these thoughts with a friend I met at the Heart of Dharma center later, who has grown up in 1 faith and remains there but is enjoying her visits to the Dharma center.)

       I also have continued to read chapters of John from the Bible per suggestion, and I can't figure out the Jesus factor back in my life yet, but I am choosing to believe that visiting faith centers and finding  a good fit for me may get me closer to experiencing that strength, faith, trust I admire in this chapter writer. And that is what those chapters are about choosing to believe without seeing.

And this week's daily positive reflections celebrating the letter C:

Character-I keep being described by parents and colleagues at my new school as vibrant and full of energy. This is refreshing.

Career  - EL practices do work. I spent many years trying to convince others of it, and my initial view of these 2 weeks are seeing its truth in practice.

Community - I went to yoga tonight and was greeted by a hug. It was a good reminder to be open and welcoming to what comes to me.

Calling - Today I was at a meeting at my school (and I think I have been open at my concerns about not being in a more urban school with more youth who face challenges and add grit to my life - so the concerns follow me where I go) and I was struck by our simple meeting of profound proportion. Oddly, I realized -unbeknownst to me - I had very adamantly sought out a school that would build character and academic prowess. Though Catholicism doesn't seem to fit me right now, I realized I had sought a school that teaches character and that is essential to me. I realized how much I had swallowed myself at my last school to please what they wanted in a classroom, and I am feeling that I am not only being asked to use what I believe in but it is encouraged. And they used the word grit today. So I got that going for me, which is nice (that was for you Chad).

Community - I talked to Beth today - the originator of the Living Chapters project, which Open Book is based after. We had a good time laughing and discussing our journey. It's nice to be reminded of community afar. She also mentioned she would be on-air on Baltimore's Public Radio The Signal (and I, too, would be interviewed off-the-air!), and it sure felt good to be thinking on that Bmore community, too.

Companion - Today I got off my bike, went up to my coworker and said, "Being alone is for the birds, I'm ready for my boyfriend now." I opened up a Chemistry account which allows me to peruse, but not do anything till I pay some money. Maybe it's time to pay the money. Regardless, positively I am opening up to this, as best I can.

Calling - My heart continues to speak to me, and I am proud of that. Now to figure out how to love and enjoy the present and listen to that heart.  And maybe that is where I need to practice believing without seeing.

(It should be noted I will be up in the wilderness for week after this posting and I am not sure of my internet access, so if all those steady comments continue - this is an attempt at humor - I won't be able to respond for a bit.)

The 5 C's X 7 = Faith, Week 1

September's writer asked me to focus on a daily positive recognition of 5 C's: community, character, career, companion, and calling. Each week writing 1X a day, meaning that 2 will be repeated. We debated if this would be blog post-worthy or just annoying to readers. I am opting to give it a go and see if the publishing of it makes me stick to being positive in reflecting. So week 1 - see below.

She also asked me to read a chapter of John each day - give or take.  I am through 6 chapters and would say that it is telling me to believe without needing to see.

Community - Today I experienced Boise community in many ages/sizes and all elated in joy at a Hot Air Balloon Fest. I ran into a kind co-worker. I finished my August wild card with breakfast with a stranger at a Boise diner full of travelers and locals serving good eatin' kind o' fare. I'm reminded how because of my upbringing I can relate to many walks of life. I have an extended family who loves me dearly, a KC and Bmore friend family who I treasure, and am exploring how this will form out West.

Career - I am excited to try Expeditionary Learning as a teaching philosophy. I am excited to teach in this way. I am excited to try and make it more authentic, hands-on, and let the students guide the way more.  My first project is community identity. We are studying their community comparing it to the community of 3 inner-city teenagers who made a promise to each other to becomes doctors and work thru the odds together.  Finally, they will examine the Boise identity via a government document and people's perceptions and compare. I feel good to bring my roots of city life/challenges to them and allow them to explore their home.  The final product will be a photographic display at the Sesqui-store honoring Boise's 150th under the theme "Boise Serves You".

Calling - Today was my first day with students. I really enjoyed being back in the classroom. I also enjoyed how these 7th/8th graders' character is noticeably influenced by their community-based/EL-type of education. They are a more present type of junior high student. I am struck that in this different environment of more affluent teenagers in economic terms, I feel a stronger connection with the students I have primarily taught with - the urban core, kids with grit, and kids who face challenges. I think my gut is strong. I am glad my gut is strong. I am reminded I have worked hard to come to these beliefs in my long career.

Companion - My dearest friend who I've known since birth got engaged last night. When I spoke with her, she beamed with joy. She spoke of her engagement and her love. Every moment of our discussion just exuded who she is. This made me the happiest, as she has found someone who makes her more her. This is what I want. And if my dearest friend found it at this age, perhaps I will, too. Wouldn't it just be delightful if I met someone who made me more me? and grow into my best me?

Character - Wow, how we define this as adults. I think my running as the character created by my family ran much longer than most who learn to shake those confinements earlier. I am blessed to carry my family's character of hard-workers, talkers/storytellers, dancers, rooted folk, and family lovers and supporters. But as an adult my character has grown into one who believes deeply in being a part of your community, whose brain operates as a sociologist and anthropologist, who works hard to make a life that is around challenges, differences, and bridging holes in relationships, and who works hard to build relationships of affection. Today my Twenter character traits of hard-working and storytelling were apparent. And also my belief in deeply being a part of a community, and who is working to understand how I can step into showing that affection again.

Community - I was thankful to find a woman to have dinner with in Boise who has spent some time in Marfa, TX. It's a small world after all.

Calling - Open Book is the title so here we go. I went to a very unusual yoga class today and tonight I went to see the movie Spectacular Now, both resonated with me a great deal. During this yoga class that had a long meditation period, I began crying - for the pain I feel of a hurt heart, for the students I have lost to an early death or beatings, and some pains that I didn't realize effected me so much. I am more deeply hurt than I want to admit that when BCPSS told to tell me "We won't fire you this year" as I looked to buy a house in Baltimore that I was so upset for all I had given to be treated this way, and that my KC principal chose to give my job to another and move my position without consent. Essentially, he was telling me I was a bad teacher. And yes there are circumstances to understand this and yes moving on is the best, but I think this and a few other events have led me to rebuild walls largely around my heart. To not trust. To not love. And I don't want to do that anymore. I no longer want to live in fear. I want to love. I want to listen to my feelings. Since I was young, my parents told me my feelings were "ridiculous". I hate that word now. So yes, I am hurt by those two incidents and a few others of dear friends breaking my trust and my love. And yes, I truly believe that Brooklyn was the right choice for me and that only fear and an inability to trust the love of my friends kept me from going. Those are my feelings and I need to share them. And through this all, I still feel called to return to the work of educating kids in disadvantaged situations who are struggling with barriers. I want to listen to those feelings. I want to try again. I want to trust again. To love.

spectacular now