Week 3: A New Type of Church, Some Tears, A Week in the Wilderness with an Ipod of Wildcard's Faith Music

        As I enter the 3rd week of Faith with Kelly's directives and Dawn's - our WildCard - new additions, my feelings can best be summed up with challenges trusting in the God of Catholicism/ Christianity but seeing the value in faith itself. I feel like it urges me to trust but somehow I associate this with having to trust in a way of life that is safe and may not serve me best. The readings in John's section of the Bible continue to promote believing even when you can't see. (Perhaps my Missouri home state's motto of Show-Me-State make this a bit harder!) Also,  all of Dawn's songs urge me to believe that by trusting in God things will make more sense and challenges will bring you to what you need.  I have been choosing to trust in being where I am supposed to be. I have been choosing to be open and trusting in what I don't understand. However, I still am challenged to understand how that works with also listening to my strong intuitive heart that sometimes speaks the opposite, or some of the challenges I've faced, and being what seems so far away from the community of friends, a partner, and kids in my home that I desire.

      I visited my 3rd spiritual location - the Calvary Chapel - and it was quite a different experience for me, as it was a huge church including shuttles to get you to the church, a tv screen so all could see in the large room, and a different type of service I had not experienced. Much of it was uncomfortable for me, and therefore not always enjoyed. However, when the pastor spoke, I was driven to tears. He said a lot but he also gave 5 directives: 1) Know God to Believe in God: try small acts of faith to get to higher faith, use meditation to help you with this 2) The Source of All Problems is Lack of Belief: More concern about condition of heart than if something is done right or wrong 3) When You Harden Your Heart, You Are Dead to Feelings: You must use your heart and accept it is okay that there are those who will challenge us, which is better than closing our feelings to others. 4) Faith is Action:  Through trust and action, things can change. 5) He's preparing you for good work. What made me cry the most, was listing to the hardening of heart. I want to believe directives will do it, but directives have also been hurtful to me as I know life is more fluid than that.

    I believe I am being reminded how much faith is needed in my life, but it also must be in a spiritual vein that allows me to not have set directives, is open to the changes of life and needs of our society, and is open to all. I have to work to build a community to discuss this with which means being vulnerable and open. Kelly has told me I need literature/scripture and people to make my faith work, and she is right. Dawn reminds me that faith is just trusting, as well, and using that trust as a vision and attitude for your life. Calvary Chapel's message was one I could feel, but still it seems not a good fit for me. I want to choose that I shouldn't flog myself for this but that I haven't found a good fit, but I will.

    Future writer Erin said "Faith and Fear cannot live together", and she is so right. I must choose to select faith over fear. Therefore I must choose to believe that there will be a faith that will want me to choose what fits me best and not set directives that make me feel I must hide myself.

Dawn's songs urged me to step out of my comfort zone, let go of fear and see the adventure of possibility and purpose, and believe in what I want is coming, if I am true to myself and trust that I may not have the capacity to understand my challenges and why my road has gone and is going this way, but some greater being does and is helping me if I choose to let and trust them.  I am working through feeling too weak to try and to love again, but am choosing to trust that faith will help me be me, instead of crippling me.

      And finally, the C's of this week - most from my week in the wilderness on a ropes course with my students, with a few (parentheses) of moments that just came to me through the week:

Character: I'm one who is an anthropologist, an orienter, an explorer. I'm empathetic, sentimental, sensitive. I love reading, dancing, swimming. My car's bumper is full of pride of a Fluid Movement performer, yoga instructor, trail runner, KC beer drinker, Baltimore lover, kayaker, Idaho Blue girl, and an arts/earth appreciator. I am many parts. My scarves that I look at each morning remind me of my journey and friends along the way: a Red Tree scarf from the Avenue in my neighborhood of Bmore, 1 from my mom, another from my brother's World Cup trip to Africa, a Moroccan scarf from my forever roommate, another from Austria that was accompanied by a rainbow pic, Mindy provides two -one from Spain and another from our Pickles vaca in Illinois.

Career - I embraced the present moment of our students abundantly growing on the trust walk and sharing as a community. (Marfa trip did me well.)

Calling- When I cry watching my students on the 1st element - trust wall, I know using my emotions are part of who I am.  In completing the element Leap of Faith, I know I am working on that for myself.

Character - A mother remarked on my ability to read kids and know when/how to encourage and when they needed comfort and a release from their discomfort on the ropes course. Her words reminded me of my spark and to remember my strength, bravery, and passion in Ireland and NYC.

Community - My 2 coworkers who have run the Junior High for 10 years on their own with staff who have come and gone referred to the rest of our team as sisters. They are offering community. I have seen trust, courage, and compassion in kids. I'm reminded to bring more compassion back to my classroom and my life. Community is around me, yet, I still struggle to embrace.

(Ireland was me being me and when I do that I live happy and light and with all my strengths. I need to do that more.)

Companion - I spoke with a new friend in Boise about my need to try and date again and how I am so resistant to online dating though I've been dabbling in it. Yet, I realize I prefer to find a dating partner through doing things that I like. I spoke of finding this through Fluid Movement, biking, and friends. I spoke of needing to find my synchronized swimming in Boise, whatever that will be. which I believe will lead me to love. Faith has been challenged by seeing all my Bmore friends with their mates and/or kids, and believing that if I hadn't left that'd be me and trusting that my path will still lead me there.

Community - My heart yearns for it. As I relax from my week in the wilderness, I look through Boise's newspapers to find things I enjoy, excitement to go to theatre tonight, joy in knowing I built it once in Bmore, and a belief it will come again. Finding community in staff with three Peace Corps members, converts from Catholicism, another who searches to understand our missing of the East, another who didn't go to Harvard, and a belief in using our valuable hearts and time to help kids find themselves.