August Final Reflection, Learning from the Present and Perspective

Editor's Note: I realize that I should have said upfront I would write 3 reflections a month - 1 for chapter review, 1 for wild card review, and 1 for final review of the month. This will need to combine two of these, as I realized that a bit late in the game. First Chapter stuff.

Wild Card Reflection

Any suggestion that insists I go out and buy a box of thin cookies and dip them in tea is a winner for me. And really this became 1 of my favorite activities. I found a wonderful Sea Salt Caramel Chocolate thin wafer that melted perfectly in tea and were infinitely better when used with tea.  The first time I did this, I realized in sitting and drinking my tea, I gave myself permission to stop. I realize I don't do this a lot. And in that stopping, the thoughts that came from that tea were of sitting and drinking tea in Ireland with my Irish family and my 3 travel-mates.  This just crept out of the steam of that mug and made me instantly smile. 1 of the top 5 things I've done in my life - studying abroad, flying for the first time, being seen as beautiful and my own person for the first time, finding my East Coast connection, and experiencing the wonderful world of traveling and exploring anew.

This tea moment was like the many other moments that Mindy - our wild card writer - suggested. I was asked to stop and see, mostly by doing things in the present. She had me drive without destination

(McCall, ID with my kayak), call friends and just listen, read the Tao of Pooh (still on wait list at library and not on book store I visited), journal daily on gratitude and wants in a partner, dream and burn past burdens, hopes for self, family, and friends, and design my journal without thinking.

My two other favorite moments were cooking a meal from farmer's market. I always have good intent in making it there and doing this, but I don't. Her direction to do it, made sure I did. And I created a lovely meal that I bravely took to a party not knowing how it would be. I was also reminded of my work with Cultivate KC and We Are Here To Plant A Tree where I received the seeds for these long beans that I never got to plant, and so bought that day. I am proud of that work there that let me explore my artistic and resourceful self.



And finally was the creation of the puzzle. Mindy has a remarkable way of living her life with her feelings and she urged me to stop and try to do this through listed directives...hoping that I would do this more for myself (is my guess).  The puzzle was such a thing. It was lovely to create the 12 words - 6 from the present and 6 for the future. But more lovely was taking 1 out a day over the course of 12 days. It seemed each day the right one was appearing. I also could

see how each built on each other, and how my present/past helped push me out of my comfort zone to make me these things I treasure about  myself: yoga instructor, friend, smart, creative, educator, and a woman who has had many life choices that have led to cultural exploration and experiences I am so grateful to have.  And to get to the next stage where I feel held up by being pushed out of my comfort zone, I was reminded that doing that exact thing led to my 6 past/present puzzle piece attributes.  So if I did it once, I can do it again. Each of these future pieces connect from one to the next: being true, a lover, a dog owner, a person who trusts in her self, is fun and artful in more regular practice, has a home of peace, friends, and community,  and is a mom.  She helped me see that each piece builds on the other.

Her many wild layers of wild card helped me stop and do, and to reflect on how I must do that more.

Final Reflection

There is so much to reflect on in this the first chapter of OPEN BOOK. Utmost, I am grateful for friends who have signed up to be chapter writers, wild card entries, or whatever else we came up for you. I can feel the love. I also feel that word OPEN I am trying to be more. I have been more open with folk I've met in Boise, trying to be more open at my job, and also more open with my friends. One conversation I had with a friend this month she revealed a lot of challenging times that caused her mental and physical pain. As I empathized, I also was struck by how much she trusted me. And I realized I need to put that same trust in my loved ones.

Paul and Mindy - August's contributors - asked me to stop and either do or reflect. Both were so meaningful and right on target, along with my own lists of investing in my current home. I am proud to say I kept true to both their suggestions with 99% trueness. I feel I realized I need to stop and see, to recognize my strengths, and that hiding from my fears/anxieties doesn't make them less but makes them stronger.  I realized the more positive energy I put out there the more it comes back to me. For real.

I also saw common themes. In Paul's exercises, the forgiveness often started with other folks, but by the end it was all about forgiving me. Char, my confidant, suggested - though not easy - one must do that, because causing yourself more pain doesn't help anything. And though I desperately want someone  to get me and support my deepest needs - she reminded me that we can connect in different ways.

And finally I recognized that I have a right to be hurt that I did not go back to the East Coast, take the job in NYC, be among liberal, urban, gritty folk, or be around my community of Baltimore.  I wanted and deserved to make a choice for a longterm commitment, and I don't feel that here yet. These are my truths and I feel them, and that is okay.  I can only improve this by choosing to speak my voice more, to unturtle, and remind myself that leaving my comfort zone is often when I am happiest. That I am this person I have developed the last decade or so.  I am.  I need to continue to reflect, stop and do, and to honor my feelings as they are my truth. And that is me.

It is time L-O-V-E.

If the going is real easy, beware, you may be headed down hill.-Anonymous